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May 2009



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May. 9th, 2009

(no subject)

. have you ever had the feeling where your on top of the the world and then all of a sudden for no reason you hit rock bottom? that pretty much sums this week up for me.  i wake up and feel fine it was week where i hoped nothing would happen and today hopefully is the end of abit of a rough week, there's been comments made which i'm not afraid to admit hurt me especially when i've made a real effort and been nothing but nice. but now i'm wondering whether there is any point, something i'd planned for ages and planned well has been snatched from under me and it's a real shock but it's annoyed me, i've spent months planning,organising talking to people. but the point is at the end of the day? he knows i love him and i only want him to have the best possible day it's not about taking the credit for it , it's about him enjoying himself even though people close to him question whether the new plan is the right one option to take. I worry he'll lose friends becasue of me and i don't want that to happen but to be fair it's one friend and i'll put up with them for his sake because that what you do if you care about someone as much as i do for him.

i've never cried so much because of one thing, and it's caught me out because normally i am a strong person. i've been through life and it's never been easy people come and people go you love and you lose, you get hurt but thats what strengthens you.
it's been 2 months now since i gave horses up, that night will never be forgotten because after 14 years that night when i finally did, part of me felt like it died like part of my spirit was crushed all i have now is memories and i don't expect people to understand because they don't understand how much of a big part of me it was, but it is the perfect example for life; if you fall the only thing there is to do is to pick yourself up and get back up because if you don't you end up fearing it and that gets you nowhere.

i've decided after next week it's time for a fresh start, i plan to clear everything out and redo everything, starting at home i will feel complete again i just have to find my calling, and not let small interferences get in my way. mums right i am a stronger person and hopefully some day soon other people will see it too

everything happens for a reason right? just need to wait and find out what the reason is


Mar. 30th, 2009

(no subject)

umm haven't been here for a while ... oops? i'm glad to say things are looking ALOT brighter for the future since my last entry, yes bad things have happened in between but its life. My heads done nothing but race and still is racing, i can't concentrate on something for longer than a couple of seconds because theres soo much to do and it has to be done, i'm not complaining because as long as this sticks i don't have to face facts... because its a really scary thought to think that i'm finished in a matter of weeks, a matter of weeks and i'm out there in the big wide world and not with the safety net of school and knowing that i don't have to worry about things like that. but the truth is, yes, i'm terrified of whats coming but i cannot wait! so much will change and hopefully i reach a place in life where i'm truly happy and in control of my own life. i've got soo much i want to do; travel, move out but for some bizarre reason i want or need, i'm not sure which but i'll get prove to myself and others i'm not useless and i'm made of more than they think, it's really going to be the opportunity to prove myself i've needed because for some reason i haven't found the chance yet so....


- you've got to make it through the dark to reach the light -

Mar. 19th, 2009

Everything changes? for better or for worse?

This is really something i never thought would happen.. it's march already i remember new years eve like yesterday, to be honest i kinda wish it was only yesterday (yes my hair would smell like beer i'd only of gotten in from work at 6 but....)at least none of my world would of been turned upside down. In all fairness its not all bad, just different but theres somethings i feel the need to go into details with.

there are times where i wish i knew what people thought, because with some people its easier to know where i stand then with others, especially now, i used to feel i could speak to everyone about anything and now i don't know where i stand i'm constantly having to watch what i say and to who. its like being at war and everyone being in the same outfits..you don't know who's friend and who's foe. thankfully i know theres a handful of people who are on my side. then there's people though who don't treat me the same, K is being weird at the minute, he came to a gig last week and since that night he hasn't really spoken to me and i can only wonder why? even the dark haired b***h has told him he can't be mates anymore or i've done something as he hardly says to words and just acknowledges me which is abit sad i guess as i thought we were good mates but apparently i was wrong. but with the good comes the bad as i've become better friends with a sausage monster :) she's fab and we really need to go for that jog. i just wish people would stay out of other peoples business and not believe the first thing that someone else says to jump to the wrong conclusion.at least there will always be work to keep me occupied because if its not abusing a certain ginger in denial it's homework and art which is going surprisingly well ... something must be wrong as this is extremely bizarre. 81 days ... all i have left until complete freedom it's scary as hell and a fantastic feeling all in one and i'm not sure which one i feel safer with, i suppose only time will tell. just think 81 and i'm free of everyone i want to be free of, no more teachers ranting about not getting the work done, no bitching, no drama, no backstabbing, no crazy people making life difficult! it'll be bliss

but until then ... this is it, and i'm aware this one big rant but what can you do
i'm off to clear my head with my poochy the one who truly understands a life of luxury

ttfn x